


Homesick

by Junia



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Minor Becho, Season/Series 05, They talk about the things the show probably won't adress, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 20:24:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14504796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junia/pseuds/Junia
Summary: "You look like you've seen a ghost."-Bellamy comes back, and Clarke has to figure out what it means to have him back in her life.





	Homesick

**Author's Note:**

> The quiet, and not so quiet, moments where Clarke and Bellamy talk about certain things that the show most likely won't give us because Jason hates us. Also, the reason why I didn't study for my finals.

_i._

_They say you never miss it 'til it's gone  
_

_Well you're gone and I wish I'd done it better  
_

_Mostly I miss having you close to me  
_

_The only one who really ever knows me  
_

_And I'm sorry, I promise I'll do better, better_

 

The day the Eligius ship came down was a blur - running, fighting, hiding, fighting _again_ , killing, being tortured, and more fighting. One obvious thing that stood out was that between the time span of running through the woods and being tasered, her friends came down. She had waited 2200 days and they showed up right when that smug bastard with cold madness in his eyes was about to let her choke on her own spit as she was thrashing around like a fish.

First she heard the familiar sound of a sword slashing through skin, but assumed she was just too far gone. The electric shock waves must had already fried her brain to the point of hallucinations. Because down here it was only guns since praimfaya.

Then the pain stopped, and she collapsed in a heap, her trembling hands grasping at grass. Maybe she was already dead. It didn’t feel like that though. Clarke was coughing, shaking and there were tears stinging at her eyes at the same time. Death would be easier than this.

Finally, she felt warm and gentle hands wrap around her arm, steadying her. And okay, maybe she did die. Madi wasn’t here - she couldn’t be. Besides, her hand weren’t that big, hers were small and firm and her skin was still soft around the edges. It couldn’t be Madi and she had no one else.

Clarke blinked, and winced at the pain it caused. The sun was shining a little to bright, the world around her starting to come into focus a little to fast and everything was too fucking loud.

“Clarke! Clarke, come on. We need to go!”

She jerked up when the heartbreakingly familiar voice finally reached her ears.

Raven Reyes was crouching in front of her, grasping her arm and talking to her. Overwhelmed by the rush of emotions quelling up inside her, Clarke surged forward and threw her arms around her. „You‘re here,“ she murmured into Raven‘s pony tail.

Clarke’s gaze flickered behind her and there. Bent over the dead guy, who had been tasering her seconds ago, was Bellamy, frozen to the spot as his eyes met hers. Madi was next to him, her brows drawn together in worry as she looked at her. _She shouldn’t even be here_ , she realized.

“Madi - what -,” she croaked out , pulling away and looking back at Raven. but her voice was far too hoarse.

“She's okay but _are_ you? How long had he been doing that?” Raven asked, steadying her as Clarke tried to get on her feet.

“I - I don’t know. Long.” Her gaze flickered back to Madi who didn’t need to hear details of Clarke’s torture. Again, a part of her reminded herself, she shouldn’t be here. But thankfully Madi seemed to be okay, fine, a little worn out perhaps but the past day hadn't been easy for them. Everything seemed to be happening so fast. Bellamy on the other hand didn’t look that fine, staring at her like she was some kind of zombie. Maybe she was.

Clarke staggered forwards with Raven’s help, her eyes not leaving him as he got up and took a breath. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Clarke joked, her voice breaking at the end because she felt herself tearing up. She wanted to be the one to make a morbid joke for once, but it was too overwhelming. Bellamy, he was _here_ , standing right in front of her. And he wasn’t saying anything.

“Clarke…” His voice came out in a whisper but then he stepped forward and threw his arms around her, the weight of his body crushing and simultaneously completing her. She released a small noise in her throat, a mix of relief and sobbing and clung onto him. “You’re alive.” An overwhelming urge made her pull him closer, hold onto him tighter because after six years and eight days she couldn’t bear to let go again. “You’re alive,” he whispered into the crook of her neck and pulled back, his hand coming up to touch her face like he needed to make sure that it was her. Really her.

“I am,” she laughed teary eyed and nodded.

“ _How?_ How are you alive?” Clarke swallowed, but her smile didn't falter as she looked into the face of her best friend. “I thought you were dead, Clarke," Bellamy said, his fingertips sliding over her cheek. “For six years I thought you had died.”

“So did I,” Raven suddenly announced next to them with an impatient smile before nudging her head behind her. “And Clarke I’m excited to hear how you managed to escape death, but we really need to go.”

Right.

Clarke still reached out to Raven and squeezed her hand, smiling at her. “You don’t know how happy I am to see you, Raven.”

“You too, Clarke.”

“Let’s go, I know somewhere they won’t find us,” she said before shooting Madi a look. “You’re okay, hodun?” She gave her a small nod and Clarke forced out a smile. “Come on.”

And she was back to running. A strange sensation pumped through her veins as the four of them sprinted through the forest, the feeling of old times. Only this time Clarke had Madi, Bellamy a beard and Raven was surprisingly fast even with her brace.

When they arrived at the cave, Clarke immediately wen to the rover to get more guns. Eligius had a lot of people, they would need all she had. “I don’t think they’ll find us here,” she said, rummaging through her bag. “This place is like hidden to anyone who doesn’t know what he’s looking for. We can stay -”

“We have to get to the others,” Bellamy cut in before she could go on, already grabbing his radio. A tang of sadness pinched her heart seeing him with that thing - but she shook it off. There was simply no time for thoughts like these.

“Monty come in,” he said into the radio. A few seconds passed before a voice came out - Monty’s voice and she let out a smile.

“Bellamy?” The radio crackled. “Are you and Raven okay?”

“We’re fine.” His gaze flickered towards her for a moment. “We’ve got company, though. Those people are hostile, we need to regroup and form some kind of plan.” While he was discussing things with Monty, him and Raven kind of paced a couple feet away and she gulped. Clarke couldn’t help but feel - she didn’t know exactly - different? It was weird. They had just come back, her friends who she had been waiting for a very long time. 

“Clarke,” Madi said and sat down next to her. “Are you okay?”

“Of course. I’m fine.” Her neck still hurt, and there was a general soreness in her entire body but other than it was the truth. She brushed away a strand of hair and looked at the small but oh so brave girl in front of her, _her family_. “Why am I not surprised that you didn’t listen to me and came here?” There was no anger behind her words, both of them knew that but Clarke still felt the need to mention it.

“They were hurting you,” Madi replied, serious. “I found your friends along the way.”

“I’m glad you did.” Come to think of it what would have happened if she hadn’t - if she had tried to come to her rescue alone.

“You were right, Clarke. There are no good guys.”

A wave of guilt washed over. Madi was nine, still so young. She shouldn’t be confronted with things like these, good guys, bad guys, whatever. But life on the ground wasn’t easy, and the sooner Madi realized the truth the better.

Before she had a chance to retort anything Bellamy and Raven came back - still a sight she had to get used to. She wished they had time to talk, actually talk because there were so many things she wanted to say, they couldn’t. Not right now.

“I’ll meet the others and bring them here,” Bellamy said. “Raven will stay.”

“You shouldn’t go alone, it’s danger -”

“I’ve got it.” The harsh tone in his voice made her frown, and Bellamy noticed, too, because he blinked several times and then swallowed. “They’re not far away, Clarke. It’ll only take an hour, max.”

She nodded, still not convinced but not about to put up a fight, so he went.

While Madi was occupied with her late breakfast or early dinner, Clarke jumped out of the rover and looked at Raven.

“You know, I meant it when I said I’m glad to see you.”

“Me too,” Raven said with grin. “I gotta ask, though. How - “ she squinted at her, and for a moment she wore the same expression as Bellamy when he first looked at her. “How did you survive, Clarke? Was it the -”

“Nightblood,” she finished for her with a nod.

“And the child?”

“Also nightblood.”

“Wow,” Raven huffed. “I’m glad you did. Thinking that you were dead all this time - it wasn’t easy, Clarke. For any of us.”

“I know.” Clarke took Raven’s hand and squeezed again, hoping that it would convey more words than she was currently saying. Six years she time to come to terms with what happened and yet it was still not easy to talk about it.

Bellamy had been right and it took him an approximate hour to come back with the others. It was nerve wrecking, Clarke didn’t know how to act when most of her friends would come back. Saying _Hi Hello it’s me Clarke and I survived despite everyone’s doubts_ didn’t seem like an appropriate greeting but then again, Bellamy would probably have informed them about her either way so that part was already covered.

Monty was the first one she saw coming through the bushes and she wanted to give him a smile or something but he was already throwing his arms around her and she let out a sigh of relief into his embrace. Harper immediately joined the hug, and then Emori gave her one, too after they let her go. Murphy slapped her shoulder and huffed out a, “You really do command death” and Echo gave her a brief, somewhat awkward hug. Clarke’s gaze fell to Bellamy who seemed to be watching them from a few feet away and she squeezed out a smile before pulling away from Echo and talking to her friends.

The moments of reunions and hugs didn’t last for long as they had things to worry about, like the Eligius people. Eventually Clarke had to tell them about Polis, about the bunker.

“We tried digging them out for a while,” she said, her gaze falling to the ground. “But it was too much rubble.”

It was Bellamy who broke the silence that fell over the group. Of course it was. His sister was trapped down there. “Isn't there anything... “ he tried to say, voice losing its strength when he she shook her head. And in that moment Clarke saw it. The way Echo came up behind him, rubbing his back, the look they shared. It was discrete and intimate and yet so obvious she wanted to burst out in laughter for not seeing it in the first place - or in tears.

She forced her gaze away and tried to look normal. Everything _was_ normal. Clarke had known - had expected this. Some nights she had even wished for it because she didn't ever want Bellamy to be as miserable as her. However, seeing it, she felt something she didn't expect. Something very painful.

“But she will make it out,” Madi’s voice suddenly said and a few of her friends raised her brows. Clarke didn’t dare to look at Bellamy. “She’s a badass, so she will get them all out. Right, Clarke?”

“Yeah, Madi,” she said, gulping. “She will.”

There was nothing they could do anymore and it was getting late. Since those people had basically raided the village Clarke didn’t think going back was an option, so they decided to stay in the cave for the night. Madi was a bit shy with all these new people at first, most of the times speaking to Clarke in hushed tones. Although Clarke noticed the way her eyes lighted up when something _cool_ was mentioned. (Or maybe she was growing tired of Clarke's story, and that was why she was suddenly so interested in Algae.)

Clarke stayed silent for a long time, listening to their quiet conversations and shared concerns around the fire. There weren’t as many questions as she had expected - and she wasn’t sure whether she felt relieved about not having to talk about the first few months alone, or crushed that they didn’t seem to care. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration. They did care - the careful, hesitant glances they kept shooting her now and then suggested so, but maybe they were afraid to bring it up. To talk about it.

What she noticed was Murphy playing with a branch in his hands, looking more miserable than ever. Last time she saw him he was with Emori, but considering that they weren't talking, barely even looking at each other, made it clear that they weren't anymore. He shared a few words with Bellamy or Raven here and there, but just like her, he kept his mouth shut otherwise.

Clarke looked over at Madi then, who was leaning against her shoulder, and thanked whoever or whatever was responsible for all of this, that she had her. “Come on, ai natblida. Let’s put you to sleep.” Madi grumbled a little but eventually sighed and got up. Clarke excused herself quietly and brought Madi to the Rover, pulling out the blankets and making her a nice place to sleep. After Madi settled in comfortably, she blinked up at Clarke even though she was clearly tired and about to fall asleep.

“Will everything go back to normal, Clarke?”

Normal. Those were the last five years, but now. Clarke let out a quiet sigh, shoulders sagging as she realized she couldn’t answer the question. At least, not one 100% truthfully. “I don’t know.” After some consideration she decided to be honest. “Those people that came down, they’re dangerous. They could hurt you but you have to know that I won’t let them, okay? I won’t let anything bad happen to you. I promise.”

Madi nodded, looking at her with an expression that was simply too wise and too serious for someone who was merely nine years old. “I know, Clarke.”

“As about normal,” Clarke said and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “We’ll just have to make a new normal.”

“Reshop, Clarke.”

“Good night, love.”

Clarke watched her close her eyes and fall into a deep slumber, waiting until her breathing got even to go back. When she turned around Bellamy was standing right in front of her.

“Bellamy,” she breathed and held a hand to her chest. “You scared me.”

He was scratching the back of his necj like he was going over something in his head. Or, maybe his neck was just itching, what did she know. They barely talked today. “Sorry,” he said and threw her an apologetic look. “I - I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s fine. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I mean besides the obvious death threat looming over our heads and the buried bunker.” Clarke closed her eyes, smiling at his sense of humor - still morbid by the way. God, she missed this. Missed _him_. “She looks like a good kid, Clarke.”

“She is,” she agreed with a smile, throwing a quick glance over her shoulder where she was sleeping. “I don’t know what I would be doing without her.”

“I’m glad you had her.” After a moment of strange silence between them Bellamy cleared his throat and said, “I wanted to talk to you about those people.”

“Right.”

Clarke didn’t miss the look Echo shot them when they walked back into the cave, but she tried to focus on the things Bellamy was telling her. The Eligius people were originally prisoners who were forced to mine an asteroid - or something like that - which meant they had tools. Tools that could potentially dig out the bunker.

The problem was that right now the relationship between those people and them wasn’t very good. It was hardly one, if you considered killing and torturing each other a relationship. And Clarke didn’t trust them, not one bit, even if they could help with the bunker.

“They are our only chance,” Bellamy argued when she voiced her concern. Her jaw clenched as she heard those words. Only chance, only choice, it was all the same in the end. But sometimes it wasn’t the only one. “Look, I know they tortured you but -”

“It’s not about me,” she snapped before hearing the sudden anger in her words. She took a breath and tried again, “Many people have tried to kill me over the years, I don’t care about that, but they hurt Madi. They wanted to kill her - _a child_!”

Bellamy let out a sigh at that - which she frankly found irritating. If it was Octavia they would be putting at risk then he would be reluctant, too. Then again, Clarke remembered, Echo was sitting right next to him and she had almost killed his sister, too, _so_. To her surprise he looked at Raven, almost like he was hoping to get some support.

“We know it’s not an easy choice, Clarke,” Raven said then. “But we have to try. We can negotiate some kind of ceasefire, peace or something.”

“Right because they would surely agree to that.”

“It’s worth a shot,” Harper chimed in.

It was useless arguing, so she simply got up and shrugged. “I’m going to sleep.” She heard Bellamy say her name but didn’t turn around, going straight to the rover and climbing in without waking up Madi.

As she lay there in the darkness memories of her first few months alone clawed at her brain. The nights had always been the worst. The complete silence - not just the lack of voices or people, but of nature and animals too. Sometimes it was so quiet she could hear her heartbeat. Most of the times she lied awake until she fell asleep but a few times she took out the radio and talked to Bellamy. She told him how terrible it was, that food and water were running out and that she missed him and the others. Clarke had missed him so fucking much in those years and now that he was, actually, here - she realized it wasn’t the Bellamy she knew before anymore.

Clarke woke up with the sunrise. She crawled out of the rover while Madi was still sleeping, packed a few things and sneaked past the cave. A part of her wanted to look inside, make sure her friends did actually come back yesterday and it hadn’t been just a dream, but she repressed the urge. They were really here.

She heard a branch snapping behind her, and then a familiar voice. “Where are you going?”

Clarke took a breath before turning around to Bellamy. “Getting breakfast.”

“I thought you had reserves,” he said with a frown and took a few steps closer.

“Yeah, but fresh meat is better.”

“You shouldn’t be going alone.”

That made her cross her arms in front of her chest, shooting Bellamy an exasperated glare. “You do know that I’ve been doing this for six years, right? And that I know this place a lot better than you do.”

Bellamy took the tension in her voice a lot more gracefully than she thought he would, huffing out a small laugh. “Relax, Clarke. I know you’re capable. It’s just…”

“What?” she pressed, clearly missing something obvious here.

“You shouldn’t be going alone,” he finished and shrugged awkwardly. “I’ll come with you.”

“Fine.” Clarke sounded prim, maybe even annoyed but in reality she quickly accepted that he would come along and even thought it was a good idea. Last night she didn’t leave on good terms with them, so maybe this was the opportunity to talk. Tell him all those things she wanted to say all these years. Okay, not _all_ of them. “You can learn how to hunt again. I bet you forgot all about it in space,” she joked as she led the way down the hill and into the forest.

Bellamy snorted. “You have no idea.”

“What...” she swallowed, unsure whether to ask the question. “What was it like? Back on the Ark?”

Clarke saw him glance at her from the corner of her eyes before he returned his gaze to the path ahead. “Boring. Long. Food was disgusting. But… I don’t know, up there we didn’t have to make life or death choices anymore. It was peaceful you could say.” She nodded, trying to imagine Bellamy in times of peace. She never actually saw him like that. After mount weather… she left and only saw him again when war was about to break out. All these months afterwards they were trying to survive each day, whether it was fighting Alie or finding shelter from Praimfaya. There was always _something._

“What about you?”

Her head snapped back to him and she blinked. “Pretty much the same,” Clarke eventually told him. “As you said long and boring. I have to say though, Madi kept me on my feet the first few months after we found each other.” The days where she was on the brink of committing suicide stayed unmentioned, but she figured nobody would want to hear about that anyway. Not her brightest moments.

“Yeah?” he asked. “When did you find her?”

On day 58 she wanted to say. She was talking to him on the radio, eating berries and that was when she spotted the small poof of brown hair. “Three months after… after Praimfaya,” she told him instead and smiled. “Her parents had kept her hidden from the Flamekeepers, she had a special hole in their house. The radiation had killed her entire village but her nightblood kept her alive.”

When she cast a glance at him Bellamy had a weird look at his face, something like awe. He suddenly stopped and tilted her head at her. “She hid under the floor?”

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“Just like Octavia,” he said and brushed a hand through his hair. She smiled a little, guessing how much he missed his sister who was trapped under the floor. Maybe their plan to work with the Eligius people wasn’t so wrong after all. She just had to keep Madi away from all of this.

“Yeah. She’s a big Octavia fan by the way.”

Bellamy recovered from the information and they continued their track to the stream she was leading them, too. “She did seem to know us, too, when she saw us yesterday. You told her about us, didn’t you?”

A faint blush crept up her cheeks as she gave him a small nod. Telling her about them was an understatement, they spent whole evenings talking about her friends and family. Of course, she had to say that Madi adored hearing all these stories about heroes and villains and princesses and all that, so sometimes she had no choice but to do it, but Clarke liked it too. It helped when she started missing them too much.

“A little maybe,” Clarke said and shrugged. “I had to make sure she would know all of you when you came home.”

Bellamy was quiet for some time and she wondered if that was the end of the conversation, but then he caught her wrist and she looked at him. Really looked at him for the first time. He had changed over the years, aside from the obvious beard of course. His hair was different, not as curly as she remembered, more slicked back. There were more wrinkles on his face

But the look he was giving her was just the same. Just like the day when he listened to her speech the last time they saw each other.

“She was lucky to have you,” he told her. “You did a good job.”

“It’s the other way around. God knows what I would have done if I hadn’t found her,” Clarke joked but the expression on his face wasn’t amused. He looked sad. She looked to the side. “I mean, it wasn’t - the first months - you know what, forget it.”

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.”

She blinked, looking at him. “For what?”

“For - “ shaking his head, he swallowed. “- for believing you were dead. For giving up on you.”

“The odds that I would survive weren’t particularly in my favor. You had to accept it eventually.”

“Still. You never stopped believing we were alive,” he argued.

“That’s because - “ she swallowed and closed her eyes for a moment. “That’s what kept me alive in the first few months alone. And in every day afterwards. Seeing you one day, it gave me the strength to wake up every day.”

Bellamy’s shoulder slumped as he let out a tired sigh, scrubbing a hand across his face. "I shouldn't have - shouldn't have left..." Her heart sunk as she stood in front of him, not having expected this.

“Bell,” she whispered and touched his arm. “It’s okay now. Everything’s okay.”

His hands fell to his sides and he took a breath. “You’re really okay?”

“I am.” She took a step closer and gestured over herself. “Can’t you see?”

“I just… I can’t believe that you’re here. That you’re alive. I’m... not sure this is _real._ ”

Clarke’s brows furrowed. “But I’m here, Bellamy, alive and well.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I get that. It’s just…you know how many times I dreamt about this? How many times I got you back, alive and well and then I woke up and it felt like losing you all over again?” She stared at him wide eyed for an unknown amount of time before reaching out and wrapping her hand around him. Bellamy tucked his chin into the space between neck and shoulder and she felt her skin tingle when let out a breath. “Six years… I had lost you for six years, Clarke.”

“Well, you’ve got me now,” she whispered but didn’t let go.

They stood there, wrapped in each other for a long time and Clarke remembered how it felt like to be home. Bellamy had been her best friend, her person, her rock in that first year on the ground. Clarke knew a lot of things had changed since then, _he_ did, but she felt like maybe, just maybe they could manage it. Whatever it was.

She showed him how to catch fish with the spear at the stream, although Bellamy didn’t succeed on his first few tries. He bitched a little and grumbled something about space and no lakes, but at some point her stomach rumbled and she did it herself, smirking when he rolled his eyes. Since Clarke brought along toothpaste she also brushed her teeth and washed her face. Bellamy joined her.

“I got really used to hygiene up there, so thank god,” he told her mid brushing and she laughed.

They walked back to the cave with easy smiles on their faces and Clarke felt better than she did in a long time. Don’t get her wrong, the last five years had been extremely relaxing and peaceful in terms of no war and no bloodshed. Madi was a light in a life that had been dark too many times. But being reunited with Bellamy again, and the others - it was nice.

The others were already awake when Clare and Bellamy reached the cave. A wave of worry and guilt washed over her when she saw that Madi chewing on dry meat. Clarke had left her alone without saying anything. But upon closer inspection she saw that she had a grin on her face as she listened to something Raven and Emori were saying.

“Oh hey,” Monty called after spotting them. “We were already asking ourselves where you’ve been.”

“I told them that you go hunting in the morning,” Madi said with a told-you-so-face to the others. “But they were still worried.”

“Yeah, sorry. We thought you’d still be asleep when we come back,” Bellamy explained, hand going through his hair as he took a seat next to Echo who murmured something that she didn’t understand. Clarke looked away and ruffled Madi’s hair instead, giving her a smile.

“Well, now they know. Did you sleep well?”

She immediately started telling her about a strange dream she had. Clarke listened and cooked the fish as she proceeded to go on about the adventures in space. Something about fighting against breathing problems. Shortly after Madi was drawn back into a conversation with the two women and Clarke smiled to herself, glad that Madi seemed to open up. Now and then her gaze wandered around the room and her heart fluttered realizing that after years of dreaming of this her friends really came back.

Maybe someone had heard her prayers.

 

* * *

 

“Eyes sharp,” Bellamy said, leading the group of four through the thick line of trees. Clarke’s mouth curled into a small smile hearing these words, memories of all their past missions and adventures coming into her mind. “But easy on the guns when we’re there,” he added and threw a pointed look at her and her rifle. There was a hint of amusement in his remark but she scowled anyway, only tightening on the grip on it.

“They’re all armed, Bellamy.”

“Yeah, but we come in peace, don’t we?” He briefly looked over his shoulder before continuing on his path. “We should look like that as well.”

Next to her Murphy and Echo lowered their sword and gun without a word and Clarke rolled her eyes but did so, too, albeit grudgingly. The weight of her rifle made her feel safe, and now that it was in her thigh holster she felt exposed, vulnerable.

After another five minutes they reached the edge of the forest that ended right where the Eligius people had set up their camp. Clarke counted six guards that were keeping watch, but countless other men and women who were walking around the camp were carrying weapons, too.

“If something goes wrong, they could wipe us out in seconds,” she said, gaze fixed on the strangers. She could feel Bellamy looking at her.

“That’s why I’m going first. As soon as it’s safe I’ll tell them you’re coming with me.”

“Bellamy,” Echo said, an unusual hint of concern in her sharp voice. “We should come with you.”

“I got this,” he assured.

“Yeah, because everything always goes so well when you say that,” Murphy remarked dryly from Bellamy’s side, but looked rather unimpressed that he could be walking head first into danger. He got a “Be quiet, Murphy” from Bellamy and shove into his ribs from Echo in return and Clarke watched the exchange for a moment before looking away.

Bellamy came out of the bushes and walked towards their gates with his hands in the air. The guards reacted as she expected, already aiming their guns at him. Her heart stuttered, but she tried to take a deep breath and repeat following words over and over: _Bellamy’s got this. He is good at convincing people. Or, at least sometimes. But he can do this. They won’t kill him immediately. Hopefully._

After a few long minutes four of out five guns were lowered and Bellamy turned around to wave them over. Next to her she heard Echo let out a sigh of relief.

Clarke didn’t like walking over there with her hands up as well, didn’t like that there was still one gun trained at them that could kill them, didn’t like being ushered through the camp with dozens of sneers drilling holes into her skull. But she swallowed down the feeling of unease in her guts and pushed through. After all, they were doing this for their people who were still trapped under the ground.

The guards led to into a thick grey tent where the woman, Clarke saw exiting the ship first, was already waiting for them. Her expression was relaxed, but she made no mistake in assuming that the easy smile on her lips was anything other than deceptive.

“So, we’re not alone on here after all,” she said instead of an introduction. “Tell me, what possibly could have managed to turn our planet into this?”

None of them said anything. Clarke’s brows knitted into a deep scowl as she tried not to glare at her. It was Bellamy who finally talked.

“We can tell you that, later, but we came here to make peace.”

“Peace?” The woman echoed, her brows lifting high on her forehead. “I believe that friend next to you is the one who killed three of my men. Doesn’t sound so peaceful to me.”

“They were going to hurt someone I care about,” Clarke told her, managing to keep her voice even. “Shouldn’t have tried to kill a child.”

“Look,” Bellamy jumped in, taking a step forward. “Your men _tortured_ and almost _killed_ her, so I think none of us is innocent. But we can help you out here, show how things work and answer questions you probably have.”

“And let me guess, you want something in return?”

“Yes. There’s a bunker not far away, buried under rubble and you have the tools to get them out.”

She didn’t say anything for a second before her face twisted into a laugh and she scoffed loudly. “You want us to help you get more of your people here?”

Bellamy nodded.

“No.”

Clarke felt Murphy and Echo shift next to her, barely managing to stop herself from saying something she shouldn’t.

“Look, we’ve been circling our planet for some time now before finding the one place that isn’t smoke and dust. I can’t risk more of you causing me trouble.”

“This doesn’t have to turn into a war,” Bellamy argued, but Clarke could already see that the conversation was over.

“It won’t. Us against four of you wouldn’t be considered war. If you don’t bother my people more than you already have, we’ll let you live. But I can’t help you with your people.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke finished brushing Madi’s hair and gave her a soft kiss on the head before getting up and leaving her with Harper. She walked over to Raven and the others - with the exception of Bellamy and Echo - who were standing in a small circle and discussion their options.

It felt a little like intruding into their… their space, or whatever it was, because she had no idea what exactly they were talking about right now, but she had a suggestion to make. “Hey,” she said so that they would listen. “I think we should go home.”

“Home?” Raven asked, surprised.

“Mine and Madi’s,” she clarified somewhat timidly. Home held a lot more meaning than it had used to once. “It’s better than this cave, and we can lay low there while we come up with a plan.”

“Why didn’t you say so sooner?” There was more dry humor than menace in Murphy’s words so she only sighed.

“They found it when that man took me, but they’ve got their own camp now so I think it’s safe.” At least, she hoped. There wasn’t much the Eligius people could do with it, right? It wasn’t big enough for their entire team, and otherwise had no use to them.

“Good plan,” Emori nodded before huffing, “I, for one, am tired of caves. They remind me of having to eat bugs.” At this Murphy let out a barely audible chuckle and Clarke saw them share a knowing look for a matter of seconds. It was the first time they even interacted, she noted.

“Let’s tell Bellamy and we’re good to go.”

Clarke followed Raven’s gaze and looked over to the other back of the cave where Bellamy was talking to Echo in low murmurs. Echo’s hand came up at one point, stroking across his cheek in a soft manner and Clarke tried to swallow down the feeling of… she didn’t know what it was. Or, maybe she did. (Six years were enough to reflect on her own feelings.) But it was clearly not the time, nor the place, nor anything but appropriate so she looked back to the group and repressed the memories that came up. Memories of times where she had been the person to comfort Bellamy when he struggled with his sister or with himself. Times, that were long gone.

After Monty informed the pair about the news, Clarke prepared the Rover with the help of Madi and Harper. It took about thirty minutes before everyone else was ready to go.

“Can I drive?” Madi asked her, doing the best impression of puppy dog eyes. Clarke wanted to respond but Bellamy beat her to it.

“You can drive?”

“Of course I can.” She said it like it was the most obvious thing ever and it made Clarke smirk with pride. “Clarke showed me.”

“And you’re a good driver, love, but not this time,” Clarke told her and Madi started pouting, although it was more for the dramatic effect. Bellamy let out a puff of breath like he was impressed and she noted that the whole ordeal with the Eligius people and the bunker didn’t weigh too much on him.

Madi rolled her eyes when Clarke patted her hair and went to the back of the rover, calling, “Fine, but then I’m in the back with Harper. She has cool stories, anyway!” over her shoulder. That left Bellamy as her shotgun rider and she saw him opening his mouth but she shook her head.

“You’re not driving as well.”

“But -”

“Nope. Six years experience -” she waved a hand over herself and then pointed at him. “- beats one year experience.”

“You’re still so bossy,” Bellamy grumbled as they climbed in and she bit her lip, smiling to herself. Clarke wanted to switch on Maya’s ipod music during the drive, but decided it was too risky with the new inhabitants in the valley. They didn’t want to attract any attention, after all. Bellamy asked her a few questions about her home during the drive that she mostly answered with, “You’ll have to see for yourself” while Harper told Madi story after story about the Ark.

To be completely honest Clarke was excited, but also nervous, when they arrived at the village. She had been preparing the many cabins and huts for her friends’ arrival since discovering it. It had never occurred to her how nerve-wrecking it would be to actually show them. Clarke parked the rover outside the fence and jumped out with shaky legs. Her friends quickly followed, each expression equally surprised upon seeing the village that greeted them.

“Welcome to shallow valley,” she said with a timid smile.

Madi wasn’t hesitant at all to introduce the group to the place they had been calling home for the last six years - or her entire life in Madi’s case. “Population just went up from two to to nine!” she called, excited and led them inside.

“Did you built the cabins all by yourself?” Murphy asked, slowly walking next to her and taking everything in. The awe in his voice made her chuckle lightly.

“No. There’s a lot of things that I have learned to do by myself, but house-building is not one of them.” At that Monty and the others made a nod of understanding. “It was the home of Madi’s clan,” she added more quietly.

She showed them the outside dining area as well as the washing station and their own personal garden with potatoes, berries and other vegetables.

“This is - or was a church,” she said as they entered the biggest cabin. “But we mostly use it during winter.”

“Wow,” Emori breathed, head craning around the building. “I’ve never been to a real church.”

“And you don’t have to since our faith has been proven to be a lie,” Echo said dryly and dropped her bag to the floor. “This was Louwoda Kliron, wasn’t it?”

Clarke looked over her shoulder and nodded.

“They always loved to put their devotion to the commander on display.”

“Echo,” Emori warned, nodding to Madi who was curiously frowning at her. With a put up and yet genuine smile she turned around to the girl and bent forward.  “Do you pray, Madi?”

“Sometimes.” Clarke knew Madi said a prayer every night before going bed, but she figured she was still reluctant to share with everyone. She preferred to hear stories from other people, not tell her own.

Her friends spread around, exploring the wide space with much interest. Clarke’s heart almost skipped a beat when she saw Bellamy approach one of the tables that had drawings hanging above them. Specifically, a drawing of him besides one of her mother. A fluttering feeling of anxiety settled in her stomach and she wanted to chicken out and let him inspect the drawings on his own, but instead she found herself gravitating to him.

He had a softness in his eyes as he looked at it, brows drawn into a mild frown.

“As you can see I had a lot of time on my hands,” she tried to joke as she stood next to him. It came out more awkward than she intended it to be, though.

Bellamy turned his head towards her and gave her a small smile, almost sad. “These are good, Clarke.”

“Thank you. I -” her voice trailed off when her gaze fell to something on the floor. A piece of paper torn into two halves. She bent down and picked it up, turning it over to reveal that it was a drawing of Octavia. “Wow. They could have at least shown some human decency,” she murmured, staring at the picture with a scowl.

Suddenly Bellamy’s hands wrapped around the drawing, his fingers brushing against her for a brief moment before she let it go. Clarke looked up to see his eyes already on her and she swallowed, caught up in the moment. All those unsaid words before Praimfaya, all the memories with him, each and every radio call she made - they bubbled to the surface of her mind as she looked at him.

And then she remembered. Bellamy was with someone, he loved someone and what she was thinking was not fair to him. Clarke blinked and pulled away a little, scratching her temple to cover up the blush that was creeping up her cheeks.

“Yeah - yeah.” His voice came out low and raspy as he averted his gaze, too. “I don't think I can save her,” he said and a familiar frown made its way onto his face. "Not this time.”

“Hey, we will come up with something. Just like we always do, okay?”

His eyes lingered on her for a moment before he nodded, slow and tired. “Okay.”

“Come on,” she said, nudging her head towards the outside. “I’ll show you your cabin. You can get some rest there.”

There were five five cabins in total and one of them was Clarke and Madi’s which meant not enough for everyone - even if the couples shared. But she figured nobody would be too bothered about sleeping in the church either.

Clarke had prepared each house for her friends specifically. The first that she cleared out, cleaned and decorated in her first year here was Bellamy’s. She filled the shelf on the left side of the wall with books that she had come upon across the years - the majority of them random, but a few special ones were about greek gods such as the odyssey. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find more than four, but it was better than nothing. The walls were plastered with all sorts of drawings - landscapes of shallow valley, the first animals she had seen here, more pictures of Octavia, a few of Jasper and Lincoln and one of him. Clarke simply believed waking up in a room surrounded by familiar faces would be comforting - speaking from experience.

Raven’s cabin had an empty piece of paper hanging above a table, so that if her genius brain came up with something, she could immediately write or draw it down. She dumped a lot of the equipment from Becca’s lab in her room and over the years she had collected lots of other scrap - mostly useless, but a few seemed to be… interesting? Maybe worth _something_. So she added pieces of useful-looking stuff in her shelf. Of course, Raven would also be able to wake up to walls full of drawings.

The rooms intended for Monty and Harper were less specific. At first Clarke was not sure if she should even prepare for the two of them, six years was a long time after all, but in the end she decided the room for a single wouldn’t be that much different anyway. (By the looks of it Monty and Harper did pull through.) Drawings, a bottle of an attempt of self made moonshine and most importantly Jasper’s goggles were in their room. She also left Jasper’s letter in the drawer of the table. And there was a plant growing next to their cabin, Clarke was pretty sure it was hemp.

The last room was supposed to belong to John and Emori which wouldn’t work out anymore - unless they still agreed to share but that seemed unlikely. Clarke had found a cooking bock that she proudly saved for Murphy, alongside of a few games from the lab.

Clarke showed Raven, Monty and Harper their personal cabins first, but didn’t lead them inside, suddenly insecure about all the preparations she had made. They would see for themselves anyway. She made a face when she looked at Murphy and Emori. “I um - I kind of made it for you... “ Her hand waved around until they got the meaning.

“Got it,” Murphy nodded, holding up his hands. “I can crash in the church.”

“Wait. I can ask Raven to share with me,” Emori retorted and didn’t wait for an answer before stalking off into Raven’s direction. Clarke wanted to frown but simply nodded, which lead them to the last two people and the last house.

“I... “ _I made it for you_. “This is yours,” she said eventually, forcing out a smile and waving over the cabin. Echo’s eyes followed the movement but also momentarily flickered between her and Bellamy, making her squirm.

“Thank you, Clarke,” Bellamy said and for a moment she thought he would add something, but he swallowed and pressed out a smile. She gave both of them a hasty nod before stalking off.

She sat down at one of the round tables outside where one of her sketchbooks was lying around. The sun was about to set so she wanted to enjoy the last glimpses of sunlight before going to bed. And she could use some time to clear her head and think. Out of habit she opened her sketchbook, flipping through the pages until she came upon one of her favorite drawings.

It was one of Bellamy, a carefree grin on his face as he was biting into an apple. If she remembered right it had been on unity day seven years ago, and probably the last time both of them had actual fun. Even though the threat of grounders was looming over their heads, that night Clarke felt like a seventeen year old girl who enjoyed herself and flirted with the handsome boy for a few hours. Afterwards it was a constant fight for survival.

Her fingers stroke across the page when someone cleared their throat behind her - her heart almost jumping out her chest - and Murphy plopped down in the seat across from her. “Nostalgic, are we?”

Clarke’s brows furrowed into a scowl and she snapped the book shut. “Why is that everyone seems to have found peace with themselves except you?” she shot back instead of replying to his sarcastic comment.

“Peace is boring.” He shrugged and yawned. “I also appear not to be too fond of rules.”

“How the hell did the others put up with you for six years,” she huffed with amusement in her voice.

“They didn’t.”

Clarke raised her brow.

“Didn’t you hear? I lived like a king on the Ark, half of the ring was mine and only mine. Nobody even dared to cross the borders.”

His words created a disturbingly vivid image in her head of Murphy lurking in the shadows of the long, metallic hallways on the Ark like some sort of goblin. She made a face, hoping these thoughts would go away. “Murphy, you are strange but I still hold on to the belief that you will make it someday.”

“Not only holding onto that, are you?” Her jaw clenched and she wanted to retort to make him feel equally bitter when Madi chose the moment to come over.

“I’m finished with Cleaning, Clarke,” she told her and came to an halt in front of her.

Clarke patted her cheek and asked, “Are you hungry?”

She shook her head.

“Good, then let’s go to bed.” Getting up from her seat she threw Murphy a polite smile. “Say goodnight to John, Madi.”

“Good night John!”

“Night, kiddo,” Murphy said with a smile. “And Clarke, it’s fine, I get. I miss the good old times as well.”

 

* * *

 

  
The next few days were fairly uneventful but a part of her was thankful to be able to enjoy some quiet times with her friends now that they were back. Of course, the bunker was still a pressing matter that they worked on every day, but right now they couldn’t do anything.

In the mornings she got up early and went hunting, sometimes Murphy or Bellamy joined her. After breakfast everyone found something to do. Whether it was cleaning and cooking - that Madi was still covering although more often than not Monty liked to help her - driving out to Polis to assess the situation, working on finding solutions to the same problem or trying to set up a communication system with the bunker. Raven and Emori were mostly occupied with the technical aspects, while the rest just did what needed to be done in that moment.

Clarke had to admit that she got used to it after a week.

It was also nice to have so many people around their dinner table in the church, the many noises they made, the laughter, just people. Although she often found herself not catching up on certain references or inside jokes, making her press out a smile and just nod, she was still unbelievably grateful for the people that have returned.

The only thing that slightly bothered her was… no, scratch that. It didn’t bother, Clarke just thought it was strange and unusual. Bellamy was behaving odd. They obviously still had some sort of bond, even a nuclear apocalypse couldn’t destroy that, but it was...awkward? When they weren’t making decisions together, they didn’t interact that much. She wouldn’t say they didn’t talk to each other at all because they did but it wasn’t the same. Sometimes she made a comment and all he did was smile and stare at her. Other times Bellamy said something and she had no idea how to respond, so she excused herself and went off into the woods to bash her head against a tree, repeatedly. It was just plain and simple awkward as shit, and Clarke had no fucking idea why and how to fix it.

She had talked to him for 2199 days straight and suddenly she ran out of material to speak to him.

At least Bellamy seemed to get along more than well with Madi. And that was just as, if not even more important than her personal struggles. Madi got him to tell her his favorite mythological stories in the evening when the moon was looming over their heads and the fire softly crackling. She also liked to tackle him when he didn’t expect it which always resulted in a sparring match between them - of course, Bellamy was extra careful around her, but Madi only doubled her jabs and hits. Clarke noticed she wasn’t the only who did that - the others also constantly sparred with him whether it was just straight up punching him in the face like Murphy (she had to admit, she got very scared the first time she saw that), hand to hand combat in Harper and Raven’s case,or sword fighting with Echo. They all liked to fight with each other.

(Nobody fought with her, but Clarke had learned to do that by herself as well. It didn’t matter.)

She was watching Madi and Bellamy through the window of the church when Monty announced that dinner was ready and got the others from the outside. When it came to food everyone gathered pretty quickly, probably eager to eat anything other than algae and Clarke didn’t blame them.

“I beat Bellamy today, Clarke,” Madi told her with a wide grin once they sat down around the table. “And he didn’t let me win! I won!”

“Well, you’re a tough cookie,” Bellamy simply said with a shrug, but the fondness in his voice was evident. Clarke had to tear her gaze away from his smile after a few seconds, it just made her feel some kind of way. Instead she held up her hand to Madi, smirking, who immediately gave her a high five.

Echo suddenly cleared her throat with a pointed expression, elbowing Raven next to her. “Raven has something to say.”

After shooting her a glare Raven turned to Clarke and Bellamy and sighed. “Kinda. I met one of the Eligius people today.”

“What?” Bellamy and Clarke said at the same time.

“Relax, don’t get all worried just yet.” She waved her hand as in saying _chill or I will not talk_ and Clarke tried to keep her frown to a minimum. “I randomly stumbled upon him in the forest and -” she shrugged. “- he was actually nice? I don’t know. Zeke was just exploring the woods, I was on a short break after driving home from Polis and we talked a bit.”

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

“Clarke.” It was Bellamy and his voice had a warning as a soothing effect on her, so she refrained herself from saying anything else. “Did he say anything?”

“Not much,” Raven said after her eyes left Clarke. “He sort of implied he’s sorry that Charmaine - their leader chick - won’t help us, but it’s just the way things run around there.”

“Yeah, well sorry isn’t going to help us dig out the bunker,” she muttered.

“Actually…”

Although Clarke had doubts - lots of them - Raven seemed to be optimistic to work the guy, Zeke, so that he could help them somehow. They had considered stealing one of their machines before since their camp site was crawling with several kinds of technologies that looked like what they needed. But they were not only severely outnumbered, also outgunned. So stealing one of those things seemed practically impossible, if they had some help however…

Clarke found herself sitting around the bonfire with Madi that night, thinking about the new plan that might come about. Didn’t it seem too easy, too random that suddenly one of the Eligius members was agreeing to help them? What if he was pretending, playing the double agent? What if -

“You’re worrying.”

Clarke looked up to see Bellamy sit down next to her, an amused smile on his face. “No, I’m not.”

“Clarke,” he said and gave her that you-can’t-shit-me-look and she gave in with a sigh. “Fine. It’s just - too much could go wrong if we decide to trust that guy.”

“What about all that could go wrong if we don’t and lose our one shot at getting them out?” There was weight in his voice, of course there was. He wanted to see Octavia again, and she did too! Clarke wanted her mother back, Kane, Miller, Jackson, Niylah and all the others, but it wasn’t as simple as that.

Madi’s head popped in front of them and she grinned widely before saying, “That’s what I always imagined Bellamy would reply back on the radio, Clarke!”

His brows shot up and he looked between them. “What?”

“Nothing -”

“The radio calls,” Madi happily elaborated at the same time. “Clarke asked you first before making important decisions like that one time last winter when I was sick! I always imagined what you would answer: _leave her and search for Medicine_ , or _stay with her_.” Madi talked in a deep voice when she mimicked him speaking and Clarke would have burst out in laughter if she wasn’t currently trying to hide the furious blush spreading on her face. She had to have a serious talk with her one day about appropriate things to say.

“You radioed me?”

Again Clarke couldn’t get a word out. “Every day. Not a single one that she missed.” Done with her nerves she turned around to Madi and patted her shoulder, the grip a little firm.

“I think it’s time for bed, Madi.”

“But -”

“No discussion.” Madi made a face but nodded and got up, not before bidding Bellamy good night, though.

There was a moment of silence between them; Clarke not sure what to say. She never meant to keep it a secret, but she also didn’t intend to brag about the fact that she talked to him for the last six years. It helped her to stay alive, stay sane and gave her the feeling that he was with her somehow, but now that he was back it wasn’t relevant anymore.

“The atmosphere blocked all the radio signals,” Bellamy told her eventually, voice heavy.

“I figured…”

“ _Every day_? Really?” Surprised, she glanced at him. Was that concept so strange to him? After all she had considered him her best friend then, and even though many boundaries and feelings were unclear between them, she was at least sure that she was his best friend, too.

“Bellamy. You were the most important person in my life, my _best friend_. I missed you, every single day and it felt like a chunk of my heart was missing.” The honesty startled even her; Clarke halted for a second but decided to go on, even if her heart was beating wildly. “So yeah, I radioed you and pretended to talk to you like a crazy person _every damn day_.”

His mouth opened, but it seemed like the words were stuck in his throat. “I - I… Clarke. You know if I had heard - if I had heard you -”

“You didn’t,” she interrupted before he said anything that he would regret. “And that’s okay. You’re here now.”

“I never should have given up on you,” Bellamy whispered nonetheless, his jaw clenching as he stared at her hands. Or through them. “But I thought… I thought you were dead and I had to make something out of it. I _had to_.”

“I know.” After a second of consideration she lifted her hand and placed it on his chin, her fingers softly brushing against his chin as she forced him to look at her. “Don’t feel about it, about any of it. I’m - I’m so happy that you found peace up there. That you were loved, and safe, and happy. That you have… Echo. And Raven, and the others.”

A beat of silence passed. “But I wished I had you.”

“I’m here now.”

For a matter of seconds Bellamy closed his eyes and leaned into her palm, making her swallow hard before the moment ended and she took her hand away. “Good night, Bellamy.”

* * *

 

 

It was all well and good until it wasn’t anymore.

One second she was picking berries with Madi, the next she felt a gun pressed to her temple. Clarke’s gaze immediately flickered to the man behind Madi as she stared back at her.

“One wrong move, and she dies,” a voice said. She nodded and help up her hands to show that she was obeying.

“What do you want?”

“Shut up!” His foot pushed forward so that she stumbled to her knees, her heart hammering in her chest. In a long time Clarke prayed again. “You like that little thing of yours, don’t you?” He was clearly speaking about Madi, but as ordered she remained quiet, until he gave her a hard shove. “Now you speak, bitch.”

“Yes,” Clarke grit out.

“Good. Then you’ll learn what happen if you disobey Charmaine’s orders.”

“What are you saying?” Her voice gained a frantic edge to it, especially when the man didn’t answer but exchanged some sort of silent look with the other guy. Suddenly the man behind Madi put a hand around her mouth and picked her up. In that moment all her nerves set ablaze and she started screaming, “Let her go! Don’t touch her you son of a bitch!” She acted quickly too, lunging out with her elbow and trying to injure her attacker in any way possible. But all it took was one hit with the barrel of his rifle and Clarke sacked to the ground, unconscious.

 

 

* * *

 

“We have to get her,” she said, pacing around. It was probably the tenth time she uttered these words but they were the only ones on her mind. _Save Madi. Save Madi. Save Madi._

“Clarke, we will.”

“They could - could be hurting her right now, or they -” Her voice started trembling terribly and she didn’t know how to make it stop. “- or they already did something. I need to go and get her!”

Raven crouched down in front of her and placed a palm on her cheek. “Come on, Clarke, you know we will do this. We won’t let anything happen to Madi.”

“You don’t know that.” She looked up to the people gathered around her, each of their faces equally worried and serious. For some reason it made her mad. “And I won’t sit around and wait until it happens,” Clarke insisted, getting up and wiping away her tears.

Raven stayed close despite the accusation in her voice. “Zeke is there, and he would never let them touch her.”

Clarke _exploded,_ whirling around.

“Zeke is the reason all of this happened!”

“What do you mean?”

“They said -” she huffed angrily. “- that this was for disobeying Charmaine’s orders which can only mean they found out about the plan. And you know the only person who could have tipped them off? Zeke!”

“We don’t know that,” Bellamy said, crossing his arms. “It could have been anything.”

“Zeke or not, there are more important things to discuss.” Echo’s hands wrapped around her sword as she said it, and this was the first thing Clarke agreed with.

“She’s right.” Clarke nodded shakily before finding her bag and starting to pack. “If we leave now, we should get there before night. Maybe they won’t expect us so soon and -”

A hand touched her arm, the familiar weight that would be usually appreciated making her yank her arm away now. She didn’t have time for meaningful looks with Bellamy. “Clarke, please take a breath,” he insisted, though. “We can’t just go there, guns blazing without a solid plan.”

“Do you have any different ideas?”

“No, but -”

“Then we _are_ ,” she snapped and turned around, her bag ready.

“We are not going, Clarke. This is not an option here!”

Glancing around she noticed that none of them had even moved an inch, not to pack, not to get their weapons, nothing. All of them were listening to Bellamy like good little soldiers and he didn’t let them go! Before she could say anything Bellamy gave all of them a look that she couldn’t read and said, “Could we have a moment alone, please?”

The room cleared quickly until all who remained were Bellamy and her, Clarke’s chest heaving with the anger that was about to burst out.

“Clarke -”

“If you’re about to start a lecture about how we don’t have a plan, then I will -”

“Please, just listen to me!” Bellamy took a step closer, wrapping his palms around her fists as she glared at him. “I’m not saying we won’t go there, all I’m asking is that you take a breath and think this through for a minute. Because if we go there now, clueless and rash, we will not win this fight, Clarke.”

She swallowed. “If we won’t go there, they will kill her.”

“You don’t know that.”

A beat. “But I’m not willing to take that risk.” Without blinking she tore her hands from him and went to get her bag. “I’m going, whether all of you come with me or not.”

“I won’t let any of my people die just because we made a rash decision without making a plan first.”

“She _is_ my people, Bellamy!”

“So are we,” he argued. “And we will help -”

“I was alone!” Clarke finally yelled, having reached her breaking point. “I woke up to an empty planet and I was left with nothing! Absolutely no one! And you had left.”

He wanted to say something, clearly shocked by her words.

“No, you don’t get to do this now, Bellamy, because you don’t know how it felt. You don’t know a single thing about how it felt to be alone for months! I was ready to end it right then and there but you know why I didn’t? Because I found her. Madi was the only fucking thing in my life! The only one! So don’t even try to stop me from going!”

When she finally finished, the silence that overcame them was loud and heavy. Bellamy looked at her like she had stabbed her hand through his chest and ripped out his heart and maybe she did. What she had to go through after the end of the world wasn’t … there was no one to blame for that, and the last thing she wanted was to Bellamy to bear the guilt for yet another thing. But he didn’t understand why she had to get Madi, and this was the only way.

“If this was Octavia,” she tried, stepping into his space. “And I mean a ten year old, small and not sword swinging Octavia, wouldn’t you do the same?”

“No.” The answer was simple, short and yet it felt like someone just whip lashed her. Clarke balled her hands into fists.

“What’s wrong with you?” she spat, shaking her head. “What happened to Bellamy who ran face first into anything to save the people he cared about?”

Bellamy’s jaw twitched as he held her gaze before he quietly said, “He was told to use his head. I’m _doing_ that now, Clarke.”

Clarke shook her head. “Don’t put this on me.”

“I’m not - but you told me to use my head, those were your last words to me, Clarke, before we left and you _died_ \- sacrificed yourself for us! I was living for your words, honoring my last memory of you! And now you tell me this isn’t what you want?” There were tears stinging at her eyes, but she blinked them away. “I can’t lose you again, Clarke. Please don’t make me.”

She stared blankly. “And I can’t lose Madi. Even if it kills me.” With that she pushed past him and walked through her home, ignoring the looks the others sent her. Clarke threw the bag of weapons on the seat next to her after climbing into the rover and wrapped her hands around the steering wheel, but didn’t start the engine. She suddenly realized that she didn’t know what the fuck she was doing, Bellamy had been right somehwere and yet.

“Fuck!” Clarke’s anger overcame her all of a sudden and she hit the wheel, one time. Then another, and another, while tears were streaming down her face and she released one shaky sob after another. Her friends had come back after six years but right now she felt lonelier than ever.

The door swung open before she could react and wipe at her eyes or at least pretend not having been in a full mental breakdown seconds go. Bellamy shot her a brief look, his eyes full of worry, before he placed a hand over hers. “I won’t let you go alone this time, Clarke. Not now, not ever. So if we die tonight, then we’ll die together.”

Clarke snivelled, blinking at his sudden change of heart. Part of her wanted to ask him if he wa sure, if he was willing to do that for her even though his people were waiting here, but the determination on his face told her that she didn’t have to. He was sure. So she nodded and started the engine.

_Together._

 

* * *

 

“I’ll never let them take you again, you hear me,” she murmured into Madi’s hair as she was holding her, stronger than ever. Madi gave a small nod against her chest, but it only made her hold on tighter. “Are you sure they didn’t hurt you?” Clarke asked again, to be safe.

“Yeah, Clarke.” Madi’s voice was quiet, tired. “I am okay. I just want to go sleep.”

“Okay, love.” She pulled the sheets over the little girl and dropped a soft kiss on her head before giving her a smile. “I’ll be right outside, okay? Yell if you need something.

“Okay. Reshop, Clarke.”

“Good night, love.”

Clarke left her cabin with an exhausted sigh, stopping at one of the posts when a sudden feeling of dizziness swept through her limbs. It felt like all the emotions she had felt during the last day and a half were released - fear, anger, grief all cursing through her veins and making it hard to breathe. _I almost lost her today_ , she thought. She was back now, safe and sound and apparently without a single scar on her body, but that didn’t mean anything. This could happen again - and she would have to face losing her again - and -

“Clarke, are you okay?” It was Echo of all people, and the woman placed a careful hand on her hand. “You don’t look well.”

“No, it’s fine,” she reassured and let go of the post to show that she was indeed fine, but her body chose that moment to send another wave of nausea through her. Thankfully Echo caught her before she collapsed to the ground, throwing her arm around her shoulder as she guided them to the church.

“I assume you didn’t eat anything,” Echo said when she finally sat down on a bench, panting. “Your body needs fuel.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I'll just do that.”

“I will join you.” It surprised Clarke because as far as she remembered she didn’t really talk with Echo at all since they arrived - at least, not just the two of them. But she recovered and focused on the apple that she was supposed to eat. “I wanted to talk to you anyways,” Echo casually mentioned and Clarke almost dropped her apple. It was stupid, but somehow the phrase _I want to talk to you_ sounded very dangerous in her head. Not that Echo was dangerous - not anymore anyway - but it made her anxious her for some reason. Echo seemed to notice her discomfort, though, and she held up her hands. “Unless you don’t feel well enough, then I could come back later -”

“I’m fine, Echo. What - what is it?”

She lifted her gaze, and okay, Clarke had been right to be worried. This was not going to be about the bunker or supplies, this was about something far more delicate.

“I ended my relationship to Bellamy.”

Oh. _Oh_. Although she had expected something of that kind, she hadn't expected _this._  Clarke had no idea what to respond - they never talked about these things. Bellamy never even directly said that they were involved, he didn’t have to... So Echo sharing this personal detail with her now was something she didn’t know how to deal with. “I - I’m sorry,” was what she stuttered out in the end.

“I did it for him,” Echo continued, ignoring her awkward reply. “I care about him, a lot, but - “ For a moment the warrior inside her turned to dust as her look turned to something somber, her eyes getting glassy. Clarke swallowed. “- but I see the way he looks at you. The way you look at each other. I wanted you to know that I will not be in the way of you.”

“We - we’re just friends…”

“Maybe. It’s your job to figure out what you actually mean to one another, not mine.  _But_ I want Bellamy to be happy and if there is one person that makes him happy, it's you, Clarke. And he deserves to be happy."

Echo gave her one last look before standing up and turning to leave when Clarke caught her arm, suddenly feeling unbelievably sorry. “I never wanted this.”

“I know.” Then she freed her wrist and left.

It was very silent for a long time; Clarke sitting at the table and staring at her hand as she tried to wrap her head around the events of the past day. So much had happened, so much shit and yet all of them were still alive which was the most important thing in the end, right? Clarke had learned her lesson after Wells, and Finn, and Lexa. The world had showed that her existence solely resolved around survival, that there wasn’t anything more waiting for her.

_But I see the way he looks at you._

The words suggested that there could be more, something more, but a big, stubborn part of her didn’t want to fall for that pretty lie. She had done that too often by now.

_You make him happy._

He made her, too. Even during the darkest hours of her life, amidst pain and suffering and the world burning to the ground, one simple smile from Bellamy Blake made her feel safe on a planet that was the opposite of safe. He had given her the strength and will to survive for the last six years and he still continued doing so.

Today when they stood up against that sick son a of bitch who had taken Madi, side by side, each willing to die and kill for each other, Clarke realized that even though he had changed a lot over the years, he was still the same. Still her Bellamy.

And maybe aside from die, and kill for him, she would want to live, too. But instead of _for_ him - _with_ him.

Determined, she stood up and decided to find him. And Clarke did, right in front of her own cabin to her surprise. Bellamy’s gaze snapped up when she approached and he got up from where he was sitting seconds before, straightening his shoulders.

“Hey,” she said softly. “What… what are you doing here?”

“I, um, I wanted to make sure Madi is safe. Figured I could keep watch while you weren’t there.”

Her heart swelled in her chest and she took him in, hair sticking up into all directions, exhaustion visible in his eyes and posture, clearly done with everything and yet still here. Clarke let out a small smile before crossing the distance and throwing her arms around him until he overcame his surprise and pulled her even closer. Bellamy seemed to relax as he tucked her under his chin and let out a content sigh.

“Thank you, Bellamy,” she whispered, but didn’t intend to let go yet. “And I'm sorry for… for all the things I said, and threw at you. I shouldn't have dumped that all on you so thank you, for putting up with me.”

He didn’t reply at once, let him time with his answer as he lazily stroked his fingers up and down on her back. “You’re forgiven.” The words were a bittersweet reminder of something long in the past and she smiled against him before drawing back a few inches, still undeniably close when she looked up at him.

“I’m sorry about Echo, too.”

Bellamy’s brows furrowed on his forehead. “She told you?” And then there was this look of reckoning like he just realized something very, very important which he probably had. “ _She told you_ ,” he repeated, but this time it wasn’t a question.

Clarke nodded, biting her lip. “I - I don’t know who I am, Bell. Or what I am. If I’m still this Wanheda persona or not,” she huffed out with a dry chuckle at the end before returning to look him in the eyes. “I still think that I’m cursed, that everything I touch somehow dies in the end -”

“That’s not what you do,” he said, his hand coming up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear just like that day they got separated. “You are so much more than a stupid title the grounders gave you.”

Clarke smiled and placed her hand on his palm that was cupping her cheek. “I made it peace with it a long time ago but I’m still unsure about a lot of these things here. I know one thing that I want, though, and it’s that I want you.”

Bellamy’s hand stilled but instead of taking it as some sign of rejection, she only squeezed harder and continued. “You gave me hope when I had absolutely nothing, Bell. Talking to you every day, even if it wasn’t you, it saved me and… now you’re here and you continue to save me every day.”

“Clarke.“

"I'm not sure how to deal with these things -”

“It’s okay,” Bellamy mumbled before he scooped closer and rested his forehead against her. “We will figure it out somehow.”

"Okay."

Clarke exhaled, cherishing the way he smelled, the way his fingertips burned marks into her skin and that he was simply here. Ready to be with her even if they still hadn’t figured it out all out, but maybe it was never about the end goal at all. Maybe the direction was all that mattered and Bellamy Blake had been and will always be her true north.

_ii._

_There's a hole in the middle of my heart again_

_Can we start again, can we start again?_

_There's a hole in the middle and it never mends_

_It never mends, can we start again?_

**Author's Note:**

> The end. 
> 
> I tried to avoid the conflict between Eligius and go too much into plot because it would get too long and speculative, so I'm sorry if it felt strange at some points. Aside from that I hope you liked this little piece I've been working on since the premiere. I have to say I had a major freakout over the beggo thing but I'm working on it. Unfortunately, my exam is tomorrow so I reaaally have to go to sleep now. 
> 
> I would love to hear your thoughts <3


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